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The language of the avante-garde of new age free thinking liberalism and what they really mean.

A humourous but essential guide to those living in, considering living in, or just loving Glastonbury for all it’s whacky weirdness.


Debate.

Being negative – you are not seeing things from my point of view.

Showing your ignorance – you are not seeing things from  my point of view.

Just being one of the sheeple – you are opposing my argument, I have lost and can’t cope with the fact that you don’t share my point of view.

Reactionary – not seeing things from my point of view.

Brainwashed – not seeing things from my point of view.

Positive – you agree with me.

Educated/well-read/intelligent – you agree with me.

True – it’s what I believe

Lies/disinformation/uninformed –  you don’t believe in what I believe in.

You need to take a more inclusive holistic approach – you need to include my whacko theory in with your rational one.

Life

I am speaking from the source – I am making this shit up

I’m speaking my truth – I’m being an obnoxious twat who lacks empathy

Standing in my own power – I’m being an obnoxious twat who lacks empathy

Everything is perfect – I’m deluded or high on drugs

The universe will provide – I am too apathetic to do anything myself so I am hoping some  mug will sort my problems out for me.

Down with the system! – except the benefits system which I live on.

There’s going to be a paradigm shift – I live in a dream.

The Mayans were really clever, they foretold all of this – I have never watched Apocalypto.

Religion

I believe in religious freedom – unless you are a Christian, a Muslim or a Jew because they are all evil.

You shouldn’t be negative about my beliefs – but I can say what I like about yours.

I believe in/I am an angel/fairy/unicorn/alien – I haven’t taken my meds today.

Food

We should all be vegan/vegetarian/raw – I am a food fascist and only believe in choice for myself but not others.

Animals are people too – I watch too much Walt Disney.

You should be a vegan/vegetarian/raw because meat is poison – however having to take multivitamins and mineral supplements is OK

I don’t put anything processed into my body – except for the vitamin supplements I need to take because I am on a diet that excludes everything except organic mung bean sprouts.

Health

I don’t put poison in my body – except booze, fags and weed.  And possibly a bit of ayahuasca.

I only use natural remedies – until I get really ill then I will take painkillers, antibiotics or have an operation like the rest of you.

Research shows… – I have been online and found some crackpot website and I am now quoting it as fact.

I am qualified in *insert relevant fictional subject here* – I’m a quack and will take your money faster than you can spit.

The results of this therapy may not be immediately apparent – By the time you realise this doesn’t work I’ll  be long gone.

“practitioner”  – I will take shed loads of cash and speak in tongues to no avail.

I know this works – I have no evidence to back myself up, but if you question me you are basically calling me a liar.

You should go on this amazing detox – I have no concept of the human body to the point where I don’t realise I am being ripped off and if I just stop putting crap in my body it will detox itself.  That’s why I have a liver and kidneys.

Green Issues

I am protecting the environment – I never bothered to learn to drive but I am happy to take a lift from anyone as long as I don’t have to pay for the petrol since that is supporting the multinationals.  I am also happy for a gas guzzling ambulance to take me to hospital, or a fire engine to attend my home if it catches fire.

Flying is bad and aeroplanes are evil – I am off to India for 6 months.

I am going off grid – except when I need money, healthcare, food or a place to live.

Your generation never recycled – I have no concept of life before everything got disposable.

Money

How about an exchange of energy? – I don’t want to pay you.

Investment – you pay me an extortionate amount of money to sit and chant in an ice-cold yurt for a day and I convince you that you are doing yourself a favour and not  me.

You have to get with the paradigm shift – I’m not paying you and you are an unreasonable unenlightened git for expecting me to.

Down with the system! – except the benefits system which I live on.

Tax is theft – I don’t want to pay tax but I am happy to accept the benefits provided by those who do.

All property is theft – except the stuff I own.

And finally:

I found that blog really negative and/or offensive – I have no ability to laugh at myself as I have had a complete sense of humour failure.

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