Just passing, got an email this morning, and thought I’d share the wise, witty and wacky quotes it contained.
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
opulation believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over
them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the
~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very
~ Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to
~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley