In her seminal work The Five Stages of Grief, Elisabeth Kubler Ross lays out in stark form the processes involved when someone dies. Right now I am firmly in Anger.
Yes! I am FUCKING ANGRY!!
What am I angry about/at? I have no bloody idea, and that alone just makes me even angrier! My anger has no rationale to it whatsoever, I just have the ball of coiled up rage in the pit of my stomach most of the time and the stress of keeping a lid on it is making me feel physically sick, not to mention heralding the onset of my old friend The Panic Attack. Panic is lurking under the surface most of the time, about what? Again, you got me. I have no bloody idea. All of a sudden I will just experience an overwhelming feeling of doom; I’ll sweat and have palpitations and feel like I can’t breathe and just as suddenly the feelings will leave and I go back to normal. Well, normal with angry thrown in.
In the 2 hours I have been awake today I have felt angry at the following things:
- My noisy neighbours
- The cat (no reason, just being a cat!)
- Someone ringing and inviting themselves for a nice friendly visit, although really it’s because they want something. I could elaborate here, in depth, but it would be along the lines of “where were they 3 months ago when my brother decided to snuff it?”
- A dinner I have to go to tonight (which will be lovely and I love the people who invited me, but everything is just one more demand to be met, and I only put this here because I know they would understand if they read this and not take it personally!)
- My own inability to release my anger through crying. I want to cry, tears will not come. That also makes me angry.
Yesterday I got angry because my brother had died and he was the only one with whom I could share the experience of certain memories. And those memories are coming thick and fast these days. No one saw things in the same way as I did “back in the day” and he did. And he still did, we thought the same way a bout a lot of things. I’ve lost that, I’ve lost the one person I was close to in my birth family, and the one person with whom it was always “us against the world”.
So, the bottom line is: I AM FUCKING ANGRY!!
But soon this too will pass.