‘er indoors, next door, has been away. I know this because my name is Michael Pain and I am a nosey neighbour! Also:
- Her car is gone, and;
- Winnie the Pooh is not being played at 6.30am
This has led me to believe that I have been doing the guy next door a huge calumny by accusing him of being a completely noisy f*cker. It is actually her fault! The evidence for my assertion is that none of the things that make my life less pleasant have happened in the whole course of the week she has been away.
During her absense:
- We have not heard him rev his car for 10 minutes before he leaves for work. He gets in, he leaves. Like normal people. It’s still a loud car, but it’s fine when he isn’t driving it like a complete petrol head wanker ie, no one to impress.
- The car alarm is not going off before he gets into the car. This makes me wonder if he actually does it to get her out of bed.
- My house has not been filled with petrol fumes.
- The zombie massive has not been outside, not even when it was sunny and hot.
- No early morning business meetings outside my house
- No phone calls outside the house.
There has also been a complete lack of smoking outside. Again, absense of wife and baby would explain this. He has been having a sneaky fag inside the house and is obviously a VERY bad boy with a good supply of fabreze and oust.
Today she returned, I haven’t seen her but I am guessing she is now home as her car is outside.
So, using my well honed powers of deduction, the explanation for all of this is clear:
- The car revving is a bizarre form of foreplay. She gets so hot and bothered by the sound and that, combined with the overpowering fumes, means she is powerless to resist his manly advances;
- She won’t let him take phone calls or have business meetings inside because he might wake her/baby up, therefore he is banished outside where he is apparently encouraged to pratically pull up a desk outside my window.
- The not being allowed inside pisses him off so he wakes her up with the car alarm.
- He obviously cannot smoke indoors (fair enough, baby and all that), so he might as well smoke and talk on the phone. Loudly. Outside. At 7am. It will probably also wake her up but not the baby. It is a kind of vengeful multi-tasking.
- He is now back under the thumb for household tasks at odd hours cue window cleaning at 9pm;
- Her relatives are actually zombies.