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Today I picked up a copy of the Wells Journal.  Inside was a helpful little magazine telling me all about how to prepare for the Christmas period properly and in accordance with nationally agreed specifications.  Here is my version.

1st December “Hang up the advent calendar so the children can start ticking the days off” really means: time to really start winding the kids up into a frenzy, just in time for some b*stard to tell them Santa isn’t real.

2nd December “Check the Royal Mail website for final posting dates” really means “start saving up to buy overpriced postage stamps to send cards to people you don’t even like”

3rd December “Order the Turkey, if you specify your collection day it should be ready to pick up on Christmas Eve” really means “don’t eat this week, instead use the money to set aside some meat that is really cheap all year round but doubles in price this time of year.”

4th December “Stock up the stockings.  Buy stocking presents throughout the month to avoid a mad rush come Christmas eve” really means “go out and buy a load of cheap tat that is lost down the back of the sofa by teatime on Christmas day, if your toddler hasn’t swallowed it first”.

5th December “Clear out the freezer, ditch anything out of date and eat any leftovers, then defrost it before filling with Christmas fayre” really means, “chuck out all that perfectly good food to free up space for a load of crap food you wont end up eating at all, but at least you will have something to do next 5th December.”

6th December “Cook in advance.  Mince pies freeze well so make up a few batches now.  Later you can defrost at room temperature before reheating” really means “Now you have created a vast empty electricity guzzling space in your freezer you should fill it with some festive mince pies.  If your pastry tastes like crap, this is the one time of year your family is obligated to eat it.  Win!”

7th December “Make decorations and cards” really means “remember that posting date and the fact that Royal Mail needs revenue and make some really bulky cards covered in tacky glitter.  Get the kids involved, buy in some nice messy glitter and if it all gets too much you can always sniff the glue.

Stay tuned for more helpful advice to take you through the next few weeks.

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