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More special advice from the little Christmas Magazine supplied by Wells Journal.  Remember, you have to follow the specified timetable in order to obtain maximum satisfaction from the knowledge that you have provided the accepted standard form of perfect Christmas.

December 8th “Do Online Shopping.  Order gifts now so they arrive in time and you have lots of time to wrap them up”, really means “Encourage the slow destruction of your local independent traders by purchasing all your gifts from large multinational corporations.”

December 9th “Bring the Tree In.  Whenever you choose to bring in the tree remember to keep it away from heart sources and keep it’s trunk submerged in water.” Really means; bring your tree in really early so all its pines fall off, then you will have to buy another one before the big day.  Big win for the Christmas Tree sellers!

December 10th “Update your card list. Determine how many you need and make sure you have everyone’s current address”, really means: Remember those really tacky glittery cards you made last week?  Send those out, they are good and bulky so you will have to pay extra to post them and all your friends really love it when the glitter falls out onto their freshly hoovered carpets.

December 11th “Buy Paper or Cards.  Shop for cards and wrapping paper, you’ll get the best selection if you start early.  Post cards as early as possible to ensure they are delivered in time”, really means:  If you haven’t bothered to make your own hideously glittery and glue soaked cards then it’s time to buy some more tacky mass produced crap.  Don’t forget the post office needs you to spend a minimum of 60p a pop on your postage in order to stay afloat.

December 12th “Deep Clean the House.  Give the house a good clean so its spick and span for any visiting guests over the festive period” really means: My God your house is a disgusting fetid pit, and whilst this may be good enough for you, your friends are actually such nasty people they will look down their noses at you if there is so much as a speck of dust.  No pressure.

December 13th “Check out a Christmas Market.  These are great for bespoke gifts, and many markets now have fairs and entertainment for the family to enjoy”, really means:  Time to buy some more tacky shit, spend, spend, spend!!  Go to an overcrowded city centre, get your pockets picked and suffer endless tinkly fairground music and flashing lights.  By the time you get home the kids will be climbing the walls from the sugar rush from all the sweets you bought them to shut them up.

December 14th Buy Non-Perishable items.  Buy alcohol and any canned goods and pantry staples you’re likely to need”, really means: By this time you really need a drink, buy some booze and chocolates pretend you’re laying it aside for Christmas when in reality you will be so stressed out you will probably have scoffed and guzzled the lot before Christmas Eve and have to buy more.  Remember, no one ever enjoyed Christmas without going out and shopping at least 3 times a week in the run up.  Spend money!  You know it make sense.

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