Day 11 (Wednesday)
Insomnia continues – I didn’t get to sleep before 3am. Then of course I woke up in the hope that I’d feel normal and I didn’t.
I’m not having a good day today. I am now off the pills for the second day mainly because I don’t feel sick any more (a real blessing) and also because I keep reading that the pills slow recovery. The dizziness is, I feel, a little worse. I have certainly been swaying a lot more when moving about, and negotiating the stairs has been harder too.
Today I managed to take the dog for another walk but it remains disorientating and like walking around whilst drunk. I did tidy the lounge but it was a real effort. It took twice as long as usual and when I was finished I ended up crying for about an hour about how useless I was, how I was never going to get better, how nobody gives a shit because I actually look normal, and how much life sucks right now.
I can’t explain how much I hate being this way – not just a self-pitying cry baby – but the whole nonsense of being unable to live my life like a normal person.
I’ve a lot of plans for next year and now I feel none of these are ever going to happen. My poor husband has ended up with this useless lump for a wife and I feel bad for him. If I could drive I’d probably bugger off and put everyone out of their misery until I get better. If I ever do. Reading some of the stuff online where people are suffering for years is not helping.
One of the reasons I started writing this actually, to try to give people a chance to find something more positive. I have definitely failed at this today.