The reality is that I can no longer remember what ‘normal’ feels like. My days consists of assessing how much better or worse the perceptual madness is today, I no longer wake up hoping or expecting it to be gone…because it never is.
So here I am at week 12…..I’d say I am about 90-95% recovered depending on the day to day variations of the illness.
At this stage life can be lived pretty much as normal: – I can work, socialise, walk the dog, do things in the home. I can even have a nice glass of red wine occasionally. However this all requires a lot of effort and concentration. I can’t just up and do any more, I have to consider the amount of effort and energy it will take and how exhausted I am going to feel by the end of the day.
I’ve done and I am still doing physio religiously daily and I have progressed a huge amount from the early days but it now feels ‘stuck’ which as you can imagine does not do a great deal for your self esteem or your mood. I am back on antidepressants. I’ve kept active and done everything to speed up the compensation in the brain. Now I feel like I am marking time.
What I still can’t do:
Drive: My distance vision is still affected. On a day to day basis this means whenever I go out of the house the buildings at the end of the street bob up and down or side to side.
Concentrate or walk around in busy or very visually stimulating areas for long periods of time. This is exhausting in both cases, and is deeply unpleasant on top in the latter. At work I have to sit down more between tasks just to reset my sense of equilibrium. Luckily I can do a lot of things sitting both in my paid and my self employed work.
The worst thing now is that everyone assumes you are better because not only do you now look normal you are also doing normal things. One day I hope I shall be 100% recovered but in the meantime I’m just doing the best I can.